Growing up, I was only attracted to white guys. Growing up in decidedly not-diverse Stone Mountain and watching too many Matt Dillon movies (or do I mean drooling over Matt Dillon in BOP magazine? I forgot, I wasn’t REALLY watching movies when I was younger) I felt like the programming was complete. I was going to find my own white guy.
Fast forward to moving to Hong Kong in 2003. Never before had I been around so many Asian people. By and large I still felt the same. But I realized over time that Asian guys raised in westernized countries were ok. Cool. Irreverent even. Something intangible about funky glasses and a deadpan funny t-shirt.
Although I ended up with a white guy I am happy to know that I am not so closed minded as I once was (oh self-realization! Emotional evolution!)
But there is sort of an intangible icky feeling of looking at Asian men in a sexualized way. Even when I fly back to the States for a short trip, for some reason a chip on my shoulder emerges for being Asian. I am really self-conscious about it. Especially in Atlanta. And I cringe at the idea of being self-conscious. So I think if I was still living in Atlanta I would seek out a white guy (trophy boyfriend if you will). Because I would not want to be doubly self-conscious with another Asian. Isn’t that weird? I don’t think I would feel that way at all in Asia. I think I carry too much baggage still in the ATL.
1 comment:
This is interesting introspection. I like the big skip over the random attractions you encountered before the "ending up" phase. =]
And I truly love your objectivism in that you ended up with a white guy. Not Matt, the man of my dreams! Even though I know that's what you meant. =]
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